Independent or irresponsible?

From our formative years, we have faced our first separation with our caregiver, that’s the moment when our adulthood shape shifts.

Psychologically speaking, there is some anxiety attached to the understanding of this connection, if it is soft, graduate and safe, we will feel loved and we will embrace our independence, our individuality won’t be threatened and we will have a balanced, healthier lifestyle, as well as relationships.

There is not such an ultimate formula, resolution for each one of us as our needs differentiate, but there is some common evidence from the very beginning, and the question is, are we going to accept maturity as a normal process or as a tormented transition?

We have learned how to survive, and with survival, we have figured out how to numb ourselves as well as shield ourselves with thick defensive mechanisms, this way we believe we are in control and secure, yet we are still in agony.

Why? …because we have to realize that we are cherished and equally important, and if on one side it is great to take care of our needs and be self-sufficient, on the other side it is alright if we engage ourselves in giving and receiving, in extending ourselves beyond our alleviation.

The equilibrium will be usually a big issue for those who haven’t had a natural detachment when young, who have always been confused at how to relate without fear with another, who have mastered how to be by themselves, but get triggered or repulsed when in someone else’s presence.

We become a slave of our empowerment, as we want to be so much in charge and in our potential as much as we either behave as victims or we act as no one can mess up with us, building walls that keep everyone at distance.

Therefore, to much independence becomes our downfall, as we don’t know how to be inter-dependent, we come off as very insensitive and pompous, we are focused only on our own vain bubble, we are disconnected from the society, we are an Island without visitors.

Certainly, it takes time to allow someone in, well, we are strong enough, we don’t miss anyone, we have been taking care for ourself and we have been taught how to fulfill our wants without counting on anyone, and here we are, we cannot enable another to enter in our balloon of safety, the one we have designed with so much care and endeavor.

Thus, we have translated the attachment and then detachment from our first caregiver as an attack, we have either felt overwhelmed with attention or we have felt neglected and avoided, and the extremes have been taking us to the farthest, our relationships when we grow older reflect in us how that has been playing out.

When we are to self-contained, we have grasped self-care, we have discerned how to be by our own, enquiring nothing on the surface, but deep down we really want to be loved and appreciated for who we are, we want to lay down the law, we want to seat in trust, we really want to be content, we want to relate without anxiety nor expectations, we don’t want to feel like we are at war all the time and expecting something bad will happen or someone will betray us.

To much self-determination is an indication of lost faith, of not knowing how much is to much and how little is to little, walking puzzled as whom to believe and whom to avoid.

Ironically, we avoid those who really care for us and we give chances to those who only think for their greatest interests, yet that sounds familiar.

To much autonomy makes us irresponsible as we don’t know how to read into our heart, so how can we be able to understand another.

We can hurt them unintentionally because we choose our comfort zone over love, over being responsible, over keeping our promises, over being punctual, over being supportive emotionally or physically available for another, we are grown-up children, we are indecisive, we don’t know how to communicate and most likely how to commit in all areas of our lives. We have only our way, uncompromising attitude!

To much independence it is like indulging in life without touching the real meaning of anything, it is like floating around, keeping ourselves alive as much as we can, diving in the water without being wet if possible, and we call such a dwelling place.

RS❤❤