Unhealthy attachments! Love Addiction and Love Avoidance.

Sometimes we grow up in families when we think our parent modeling is the best we can ever have. At times there is a good image, but in most cases, unfortunately, there is not. We think we were spoiled and taken care for, we think that we have been raised in equally balanced families and in stable environments. Think twice, or better tell me about your relationship style until now, how and why your relationships were as they were, have you been in relationships when respect, trust, communication, and love were understood and were honored, what is your biggest fear?! So many of us survive in codependent relationships out of fear of being alone or that we can not make it without the other, so we became dependent, we give our power away and we don’t trust that there is enough for everyone in this world, or that there is better.

Your relationship style is a mirror of your attachments with your primary caregiver. If you are having problems in your relationships right now it is because you were not heard enough, your feelings, emotions, and opinions were not taken into consideration, one or both of your parents were either busy doing other stuff or they abandoned you willingly. I hear people saying, I had great parents, I love them, I don’t need anything to heal. And with that saying, I love my parents with all my heart, but I had to parent myself when I grew up, and I don’t blame them for giving me the best they could, I just probably needed some more, that for tangible reasons they could not offer it to me. As per I don’t need to heal anything, I wonder why did you reincarnate if you had nothing to work on?! We all are fucked up in some ways, and that’s fine, I hope you get my point and wake up from illusions.

You will understand those things because you will always be presented with the same problems in your adulthood with your partners. Now with that being said, you will either keep on choosing same partners over and over until you get crashed or you will finally realize that you deserve more and you have to find a solution, you have to get out of there. Again, get out from there or better run from a place when you are not being loved, respected, when you are being abused emotionally or physically, run and ask for help.

You can either go to a therapist, psychologist or you can decide with yourself with self-awareness, informing yourself through self-loving books and all kinds of information that are out there, made by those wonderful people to help you out. There is always a way out, even for the biggest addiction you had created through this painful styles of attachments, you deserve love, you are love, you are not pain, so why be there. We also chose our illnesses, because we are brave enough to work it out and not to be drugged by.

Now let’s talk about love addiction and love avoidance. Really, you would ask, love addiction, what the hell?! Yes, I hear you, love is wonderful, we live to be loved and we love to love as well, no matter what we do in this life all the questions and reasons are connected with love. Even those who work really hard and want to make lots of money and to have power, whatever, behind all the reasons resides, love. 

Now love addiction it is not such a wonderful kind of love, unfortunately. Just like any other addiction, such as alcohol, drugs, sex, I don’t know you name it, love addiction it is an addiction.

To some extent, we are all addicted to love, we want love and we want to be loved since we are little babies, we crave attention, we can’t survive without love, it is the force that shakes us to the core, weather it is parental, friendships, pets, plants, whatever we get moved by and because of love.

On the other side, Love addiction is love in the brain, it does not really come from our heart. While love in general makes us happy, and we feel that happiness for a long time, love addiction makes us miserable. Love addiction and love avoidance talk about those who have experienced deep loss, whether from death, rejection or abandonment. This love stems from mommy or daddy issues, from unresolved feelings or emotions. When those individuals have been feeling abandoned they have repressed their feelings, some becoming numb (love avoidant) and others too emotional, or clingy (love addict). Those who have “managed” to numb their emotions because they don’t want to feel “weak” and vulnerable go after someone who they can keep at arm’s length and who does not stir their feelings, at all. Someone they can control, someone who will not express much, especially love, otherwise they will flee, out of fear of being rejected and abandoned another time, they have chosen to detach from their inner child.

This does not make them happy but at least they can have long term relationships under their terms and conditions, unable to work on their progress they have found a way to survive in the world, longing for love and fearing it at the very same time. (Love avoidant).

On the other side, there are the ones who were a little bit more sensitive and they learned how to express more than they should (society conditions), out of fear of being rejected and abandoned or for not being enough so they have to prove you that they are worthy of your love. They will chase and cry for you, they feel powerless (love addict). Usually, this one asks for help and 99% of the times gets healed. Those two are usually the best toxic pair you will ever see, you will actually think when you see them that they are best friends, or soulmates because they are both so desperate to be loved and to love but they don’t really know how to create healthy relationships. They don’t know how to properly dance with one another until they become aware of it and they move beyond the addiction. They both lose themselves into the other and they destroy each other because fear is way stronger than the love they feel. If you ask them separately they can not live without each other, they deeply love each other, it is the way that they express it that scares them and separates them from one another, also always one is more willing to change his habits for the sake of love and the other no.

Most likely the one that it is clingy or to expressive will usually have short term or on and off relationships out of anxiety and from being demanding will push people away before they even start to consider having a real relationship with them. Sadly, that’s the truth! This all stems from childhood issues and from the parents that “failed” to give to these children the love they so much deserved or needed it. The thing is, that so many people will say that every addiction, every compulsive behavior that it is triggered in the brain cannot be overcome. Let me tell you something, don’t listen to them, it is ridiculous, everything can be changed, resolved, healed, but it takes time, effort, patience and love for yourself, you can definitely learn how to nurture yourself way better than your primary care takers would have ever done.

Are you willing to do the work, to be a responsible adult for yourself and to give yourself that love that you so desperately seek in others? I hope there is a big yes! How to understand if you are a love addict or love avoidant?! 

You love the thrill and passion instantly and then you lose interest just as quickly. You seek love in every other person you meet and you think they are the one, every time you meet someone new, but they might not. You get quickly bored and you chase another suitor, just to come back to the previous one, or to move on to the next without grieving, without thinking much. Your relationships are on and off, always. Your relationships are very intense and passionate, if not you go to the next one or you trigger the intensity because silence scares the shit out of you. ( hence the fear of abandonment).You are emotionally unavailable or you fall for those who are. You are lost during the day and you think only about the other person, or you deny your feelings altogether and avoid the other. You fall immediately in and out of love. You jump in bed without knowing the other person (you can be prone to sexually transmitted diseases) and you regret it. You have lots of regrets and you can’t move on easily, or you can move on very easily for you to go back when your fears pop up. You are depressed and feel very low in energy if you are not with someone, the idea of being alone kills you. You have unhappy, unhealthy relationships. You have bits and bites, not real relationships and you are a daydreamer. (You love what you can’t have). You love love, and when love comes around, you run away.  All those and so many other issues I can not recover in one article are happening to you because you are here to deal with your garbage once and for all because you deserve love. How to free yourself, there are millions of ways nowadays, we are a blessed generation, our parents did not have those choices. There are love addict groups almost everywhere. You can do therapy, talking with a psychologist helps a lot, chakra cleansing…You can stay away from relationships for at least 6 months to a year until you get your power back and you understand what is going on with you. You can do hypnosis for resolving childhood issues. Meditation is very good, especially when you are surrounded by a few other people that are going through the same situation so you understand that you are not alone. Remember that You are not alone, not at all, just chose whatever technique works best for you. 

To conclude, since this is a never-ending topic, rest assure that there are so many people that are suffering from love addiction and love avoidance, they just are not aware of that and they think will live their whole life in this drama, again the answer is no, decide today and be determined, everything can be resolved, you just have to ask for help. I also believe that we have been having those issues for so long now, sometimes we did not even start, we Inherited in our DNA from our ancestors, but we can stop the chain of suffering, thus, our grandparents will be free and our children as well. (Think about yourself first and then the other generation, we are all connected). We want to make things better than the previous generation, we are having those emotional hangups not to keep on suffering, but for us to recognize them and to let them go. It is amazing to be happy, to love and be loved without fear, because fear keeps actually love away, and we are not fear, we are love. Even if you don’t want to do any of the above, just love yourself and read books, being aware of your behavior it is half of the road, changing the pattern through refraining from repeating it, is the other half. …and I, I love you freely whenever you are in the world. Xoxo ❤️❤️❤️